Late Night McMuffin

I am a bit of a night owl. No, I'm a vampire. Those night time beings are way sexier. In reality though, I'm like a raccoon. I've always got dark rings around my eyes and you'll often find me digging through trash. Do not judge. In any case, I really enjoy my late night television, and since it's been shaken up as of late, I think I'd like to cook up a Late Night McMuffin featuring my muffin top and a few of my fave late night hosts.

First off, I'd like to make the man that has always charmed my heart and made me want to nuzzle his neck the egg in my McMuffin of man. I speak of newly appointed Tonight Show host Sir Conan O'Brien.



I've loved Conan for so many years now. He's like my favorite pair of shoes. They're not necessarily the prettiest, but they make me so very happy and just feel right. Everytime I watch anything he does, I cackle like an old witch except not gross and scary sounding. He's just so lovely and smart. Who wouldn't want to bite into that? Also, I am extremely curious as to how he gets his hair that way, and methinks rubbing up on him manwich style is the only way I'll ever find out. Simply asking isn't as fun.

Now, bringing the sexy as the ham in my McManffin (?) is the host who makes me pant. Seriously, if I ever saw him on the street, merrily going about his business, I would totally drop whatever I was holding, hot dog, orphan baby, Bible signed by Jesus himself, etc., and slap myself in the face. I am in love with Jon Stewart.



No, really, I LOVE him. I love for the man he is and the man he wants to be. I hope the man he wants to be is my husband. We could register at a comic book store and make our parents buy us Asian manga erotica and laugh ourselves silly. I want to make him coffee in the morning, then have an intelligent political discussion in a way where we both get heated up but still interject funny jokes to remind each other that we still think the other is adorable. After that, he'd let me lick his grey hair like a kitten, and I'd be happy forever. A perfect morning. And after seeing his verbal ass whooping of douchebag Jim Cramer, I'm guessing the afternoon would get real saucy. Mmm pretendjonstewartlovesessionofdeliciousgoodtime.

Though he's a newbie on the late night circuit, I'd like to butter myself with Jimmy Fallon.



He used to annoy me on SNL because he'd always break character, but he's very cute and I'm guessing supple as a young buck. Also, I find guys with slight speech impediments kind of adorable. Seriously, a stutter makes me flutter. I'm a rapper.

Dudes With Animal Names Panini

Nothing fills up a girl's belly, and loins, like melted sexiness on an oven toasted piece of hotness, especially when it allows a girl to scream out animal names in the throes of passion. If I was gonna be ironed in a panini of animal-named gorgeousness, there's only one man who can do the job...and that man is Bear Grylls.



I love this man. I love him so much it makes my bones cry, and they don't even have tear ducts to make that possible. People try to say he's not as awesome as Survivorman Les Stroud just because he goes out to the wilderness with a camera crew. To that, I say "Erroneous!" Grylls is beautiful and hardcore and English and does crazy ass shit like eat a raw dead zebra. Any guy willing to do this....



...is worth his weight in amazingness. I want to lick the zebra juice off his face.

I was trying to think of other animal named dudes to share in the Bear Grylls manwich of hotness. My co-worker and I compiled a list of possibilities which include:

Tiger Woods - A worthy choice, but his super white chompers put me off.
Katt Williams - Dresses like a baby pimp and would call me "bitch" like non-stop, so no.
Robin Williams - Technically an animal name, but realistically actually looks like an animal. The man is harrier than Bigfoot, and he's annoying.
Robin Thicke - High pitched falsetto voice. Can't do it, even if he is the son of Alan Thicke, which is totally awesome. I love Growing Pains!
Snoop Dogg - Immediate veto. Too skinny and too high. I remember college. High dudes = boooooring.
Big Bird - Not an actual human, but might be kind of hot.

None of these really worked for me, so I'm gonna go ahead a stick to my main man. Oh Bear, if only I could sandwich you in real life and not in my dirty daydreams, we could be so happy.

Douchebag Meatball Sub

Sexy Manwiches aren't only for my own sensual pleasure. Sometimes I feel it's my duty, neigh obligation, nope -- IT IS MY DESTINY -- to sometimes squish myself between a few douchebags for the good of mankind. Because then, and only then, will I be granted enough access to destroy them mercilessly with my womanliness.

First, I'd like Nic Cage to be meatball No. 1.



To say I effing HATE Nic Cage and wish a slow painful career death upon him is a gross understatement. He's just so gross and douchey and I hate his stupid face. I mean look at it. It's stupid. And the whole impregnating a young Asian cocktail waitress thing is just so cliche. I get it. Old perverts love hot Asian women. It's lame. Oh, and he sucks in every movie he's been in, not just the atrocity known as Bangkok Dangerous. Some people will try to throw out the "Oh but he was good in Leaving Las Vegas. I mean, he won an Oscar" excuse. To that I say the Oscars don't mean shit. He sucked in that movie, and I punch anyone who says he didn't. I don't even care. I'll get gangsta on that ass. This is why I'd like him in my douchie meatball manwich. So I could look him upon that face whilst I strangle him with my whale-like mammaries.

The next doucheball I feel obliged to add to this submarine sandwich of douchiness is none other than the nastiness that is John Clayton Mayer.



I would be doing not only Jennifer Aniston a huge service, but the world over as well, by destroying this man. Again, look at his stupid face. Oh, he's such a douchenozzle it hurts my soul. And the stupid looks he pulls when he's delighting roofied college girls with his boner jam "Your Body is a Wonderland" are priceless. I can't tell if he's defecating himself, or has a Thai hooker in his pants providing him oral pleasure, and herpes I hope. He's so gross. Why any of these famous women hook up with him is beyond me. So I must kill him -- with my sandwich loving imagination.


The last meatball in this manwich belongs to a simple man. A man that really means no harm, but nonetheless causes it with his horrible, ear-bleedingly high-pitched voice. Yes, children. He who must be called James Blunt, for that is his name.



Not only does he sound like a pussy, he looks like one too. I bet rainbows and sunny mornings make him weep like an effing schoolgirl. I am a pretty small girl and I'm positive I can whoop this bitch's ass. Seriously, when I hear one of his songs, I grow a second vagina he's that much of a pussy. I hate the word pussy, but there's no other word to describe him and thus I am forced to use it repeatedly. For this, James Blunt, you must suffer. Pussy.

Closeted Homosexual Hoagie

I love me a hoagie. It's six inches of layered deliciosity. A lot of dirty jokes can be made there, but I'm gonna attempt to be classy and not make them so my mother can finally stop weeping in shame.
Anyway, a hoagie is already so very nice, but if it was filled with the hot bodies of possibly (i.e. obviously) gay men, it would be even better. What can I say? I love a man who has no interest in me sexually.
I reckon the silver fox Anderson Cooper would make a nice top bread.



Ugh, he's just so sexy and smart and refined it hurts me in the yummiest way possible. Those baby blues pierce my heart like a chicken vindaloo pierces my insides. Seriously, I want Anderson Cooper wallpaper just so I can stare at him all day. It's a damn shame that he's a total boner jammer. I cry every night because of this.

My ham-like body would lie breatlessly, while total homo Kevin Spacey closed out this yummy manwhich.



I don't know what it is about the him that leads people to think he's gay, but I guess I could see it. I like his lulling voice, and he's kind of creepy, which for some reason totally does it for me. Like, the fact that he might try to kill me is a tad exciting. Man, psychological or what?

Yummy LOST BLT

If I was deserted on the crazy ass LOST island, and I mean crazy because there's so much hot ass on that bitch, I think I'd like to be sadwiched as such...

Jack -- Because I could stare at the scruffy grill for hours, and I don't care how gnarly his fish and fruit breath is. He's lovely, and so tortured. I like that.


A little ME action right below him, because I am a lazy lover. Ooh legs in the ayer!


Sawyer -- Because I like the feel of a scruff beard on the back of my neck. Also, he'd whisper snarky, insulting things in my ear. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen!


And a little Hurley in there. More cushion for..well, you know. Plus, he's super cuddly and adorable. Also, you know he'd bring snacks, and I appreciate a man who supplies sustenance during manwich sexplosions.